Hello lol. It’s been awhile. These past few months have been nuts…a real whirlwind…and there’s been so many times where I needed to write, where I felt like writing would have really helped me, but for some reason I just couldn’t. I haven’t actually sat down and wrote for probably four or five months which is crazy because I used to write weekly or even a few times a week depending on life lol. There’s been so much going on in my head this year, that I think when I sit down to write I don’t even know where to begin so I just don’t. I keep in it my head…so if you’ve noticed my head growing in size that’s probably why.
Today I woke up at 7. I actually slept pretty well which was nice. When I first woke up, I thought it was 10 and then I looked at my clock and it said 7:02…BRUH. So I tried going back to sleep. I put in headphones, changed my sleeping position, tried to find the coldest spot on my bed to curl up in with tons of blankets to become a human burrito, but nothing was working. I was already up…which meant my mind was already up…which meant the chaos had already begun.
When I first found out that I had anxiety, I was kind of embarrassed. I didn’t really understand it or why I had it. To be honest, I think I had anxiety about my anxiety lol. Often times I would get frustrated and still do, because I feel like anxiety is a tiny microscopic problem among everything going on in the world. I ask myself, why am I getting so upset and worked up over one little thing I did or said that could have been interpreted in a way I didn’t mean for it to, when there are much MUCH bigger problems in the world like immigration or voting. Often times thinking like that makes the anxieties even more difficult to cope with…because you don’t want the anxiety…and you hate the anxiety…so you fight it.
This semester has brought a lot of changes. A new living situation, new teammates, new friends, new relationships…and it has been really good but of course with all those new changes came new anxieties. Some days I’d wake up feeling so happy that I didn’t even think about the a word (lol, no not that one). But other days, like today, I felt them as soon as I woke up.
What’s it like to feel anxiety? 7:02 and I was wide awake. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I started to feel the anxiety throughout my body. When it starts, I normally feel it in my stomach. My stomach becomes twisted, kind of like when you’re sick and have an upset stomach. Then, I feel it in my legs. My legs start to tighten and stiffen and I start to feel like I can’t move them. Then I get shaky. My body shakes. My breathing becomes rapid…but despite feeling like I can’t move at all, I can’t sit still. That’s the weirdest part. My body feels so tight and stiff, but my mind is so active that it some how overpowers it all.
Anxiety is weird lol.
Instead of trying to force myself to go back to sleep today, I got up and started my day even though I didn’t really want to. But, my mind was already awake so I figured ya know, time to wake up my body too. At first it was hard, because I was still shaky, but I focused on one thing at a time. I brushed my teeth, then changed and packed my bag for the rest of the day. Simple things really, but things that kept me occupied and that got me thinking about all the good things I was gonna do today.
“Blessings on blessing on blessings.”
I found this necklace over the summer. It’s super simple (S/O Marishka if you’re reading this, my twin lol), but it represents gratitude. I wear it everyday as a reminder to be thankful. A big part of anxiety is the constant worry and fear of the unknown. When my mind races, it’s normally because I’m thinking about the future. I’m thinking about the few minutes ahead, the next few hours, the next few days, and sometimes even months or years ahead. Rarely am I ever living in the moment and appreciating the now. While my necklace is something so simple, it reminds me to be GRATEFUL and to appreciate everything in my life; the good and the bad.
I’m not super sure what the purpose of this post was, I guess mostly just to write, but I hope it helps anyone out there who is struggling with anxiety. Some days are gonna feel impossible, but know that you can do it. When you wake up feeling anxious, take it for what it is and roll with it. If your thoughts start before your day, start your day too. Have your mind and body work together instead of allowing them to fight.
Think about what you love in your life.
Work to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.
But don’t work to live. just live. enjoy. laugh. be happy. take those small victories and celebrate them.
Anxiety may never go away, but that’s okay. Do little things to help you cope. Challenge yourself to live in the moment for a minute, and then maybe five minutes, and then maybe more. Eventually, you just will.
These words are for you and me, and as you take them in I will as well.
Pb & Gel 