How is it possible for everything to make sense and then suddenly just…not?
What I should be doing right now is studying for finals, which I kind of have, and will continue to do tonight after I finish writing, but I just needed to write. I’ve been thinking about it all day and instead of putting it off, I decided to do it. Maybe it’s the first step I need to take in order to feel better….I’m not super sure, but it’s something.
Last week at this time, I felt great. I felt confident-ish in myself, felt like I knew who I was. I was laughing a lot, spending time with friends, playing the sport I love, going from place to place supporting someone that means a whole lot…and then all of the sudden that life, that love, that overwhelming sense of content and genuine happiness, just started to dissolve.
Last weekend I played soccer, I saw my parents, we went to the diner, I got to sit on the bus and listen to music (which is one of my favorite things about long trips)…there was so much to love, and yet everything that once was colorful just a few days ago started to go grey. Suddenly, it felt harder to simply be. It’s hard to explain and I know it doesn’t really make sense, but all of the sudden it felt harder to be…me. I started to feel lost. It was like I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling…well I guess it was more of me trying to suppress what I was feeling (angry, frustrated, annoyed) and trying to replace that with how I felt I should be feeling (happy, fun, grateful, excited!).
I started to feel alone…and for some reason, it felt okay. But I wasn’t alone, and that was all I craved at the moment; solace. I started having thoughts that I didn’t want to have and when that happens, my first response is curl up somewhere by myself away from people. But at that moment, I didn’t have that choice. Even writing about how I was feeling makes me upset because the side of myself that I’m not proud of, that I’ve been fighting since high school came out…and it makes me question everything. I let it take over and because of that I lost my sense of self, and these past few days I’ve been fighting to find it again.
I’ve wanted to be alone and for the most part that’s what I’ve done, but I know from past experience that that’s not the answer. It is for a little, but it doesn’t solve anything.
How do I find my sense of self again? I guess I just keep going. I have faith.
I accept the situation and I live anyway.
“Not everyday is going to be great, but there’s something great in everyday.”
Tomorrow it might be my morning coffee, or it might be completing my materials and finishes II final.
Friday it might be waking up and knowing I’m heading home to celebrate the wedding of one of my best friends the following day.
And slowly I’ll get back to living.
Less thinking, more being in the moment…and that’s where my faith lies. My faith lies in hope, and my hope lies in a genuine love for this life and the need to live it as genuinely, happily and authentically as possible.
You know, it’s okay to feel lost. I think I say that as a reassurance to myself, but deep down I know that it really is. Somedays I feel a little more lost than others, but that’s how I grow.
Recently I’ve felt lost in myself…not knowing who I am, what kind of person I am..that whole sense of self…but like I said, I’ll keep going.
I’ll have faith in the journey, because the bad times are just as much a part of it as the good times.
So here’s to finding the goodness in everyday. Here’s to appreciating that goodness. Here’s to having faith.
And here’s to finding ourselves. What’s lost is only gone to be found again.
Pb & Gel 