Today

Hi there! It’s been awhile since I last wrote, like a really long time haha but recently there’s been a lot on my mind, as I’m sure is the case with most of us, and there’s no better outlet for me than writing. 

In all honesty, I’m not really sure how to start off. The things that I’ve been feeling have felt so superficial and unimportant in comparison to what’s going on in the world right now, so acknowledging them has been something I’m trying to avoid. On one hand I hear myself saying “get over it,” but on the other hand, I can hear my more empathetic side saying “let’s talk about it.” It’s the classic case of the angel and devil on the shoulder, and the anxiety of choosing who to listen to.

So, social distancing. As COVID-19 has erupted across the world, and the thousands of healthcare nurses and doctors, food market employees, packaging and delivery businesses and SO MANY OTHERS have been working tirelessly and selflessly to keep the rest of us safe and allow us to preserve what we need in our homes in addition to our good health, social distancing has become the number one priority.

Week one, it didn’t seem so bad ya know. Heading back to school on March 30th, I had like TWO WEEKS to pretty much do whatever I wanted and of course some school work. Practice yoga, workout, learn guitar, catch up on Netflix, the possibilities were endless! I worked on so many of these things and I thought okay, I can do this, I just have to stay busy. Social distancing-no problem.

Week two, I must admit, it didn’t feel as possible, but still…I was going back to school in a few days, I was going to finish out this last month and half with friends and loved ones, making even more memories to last a lifetime. I stayed busy as much as I could working on projects, doing a little yoga, etc. but my motivation started to diminish..still though, things would be back to normal soon!!…right??

Not quite.

When I read the email that school was going online for the rest of the semester, my heart sunk. Never in a million years did I think I would be sad that I wasn’t going back to school, but here I am lol, thinking to myself “wow, I’m never going back to college, I’m freaking sad.”

Fast forward to Week three…this has been tough; and as the weeks go by, I’m sure it’s been that way for everyone. 

Practicing social distancing is, like the media and healthcare workers have stated, the most important measure we can take right now as a society. Not only will it help contain the virus and prevent the spread, but it’s almost a way of showing our respect and appreciation for all the healthcare works, truckers, mail men and women, small businesses, etc., all those who are still out there working to provide for the rest of society that’s under a stay at home order.

This past week has been the most challenging, as I feel a negative shift in my mental health. Be positive, find the positive, write down the positives…that was a mentality I had adapted and practiced initially, but slowly the negative thoughts and anxious thoughts have crept their way in.  

With so many unknowns, all I could do was think. Think about the past. Think about the future. Nothing was solidified anymore. Never was I going to go to Green Lane to work on projects for the day, never was I going to Rock n’ Joes for my morning coffee before class, and there was the possibility that never would I be throwing my cap up in the air amongst family and those friends who became family celebrating that college diploma because WE DID IT! Never, never, never. Oh the things I would never get to do…

And the future? The possibilities are endless. If I didn’t know what I was doing before, I really don’t know what I’m doing now. How are things going to work out, what is going to happen?!?! Questions I’m asking myself every single day, spending hours upon hours thinking about, pining for answers. And the answers I come up with? There’s tens, probably even hundreds of scenarios I run through my mind day in and day out…and all that has created is worry. Panic. Shortness of breath. Shakes. Tingles. Tightness. Tears. All things that the body goes through when experiencing a stretch of anxiety.

The worst part of all, was comparing these bouts of anxiety to the actual events going on in the world. Superficial. Pitiful. Ashamed. That’s how I felt. There are people fighting for their lives, there are healthcare officials putting their own lives at risk every single day, and here I am being sad and anxious? C’mon Gel, you’re not the only one going through this…THE WHOLE WORLD IS! 

It took a good friend to help to me see that what I was feeling wasn’t superficial, but normal. In her words,

“Yes, we do have to have perspective on the broader state of things. But I think it’s also important to remember that our feelings are totally valid. We did lose that time, and it’s not an easy thing. It’s going to take a lot of time to come to terms with what we’ve lost, and that’s okay.” (Side note I hope she this, she’s a GOAT aka greatest of all time, and possible future president of the United States)

As I reread what she told me, I found that it really stands true. In one way or another, I think we are all experiencing some sort of loss right now and the worst thing we can do is compare those losses. What’s going on in the world right now has affected every single person on this planet differently and how we process that is individual to who we are. And the things we are feeling, the emotions that we’re going through, are most importantly VALID. To diminish ourselves of the one thing we will always have the right to, that being our emotions, is to experience the greatest loss of all. So feel how you feel, and don’t be afraid to lean on others to help you work through those feelings. 

The most important thing I think we can do, and something that I am going to try and work on, is to acknowledge what we’re going through, accept it, value it, and slowly move forward.

For every negative thought, there’s two positive thoughts. For every bad outcome, there’s two good outcomes. For every storm that passes through, the sun is sure to follow. 

Sometimes I get so lost in my words that I don’t really know what I’m saying, but I think the main goal of this post was to be honest. I’m here in good ole PA and I’m healthy. I’m cared for, I’m loved, blessed beyond an immeasurable doubt, but ya know what, I’m also struggling. And that’s okay. 

So ya know what? Here’s to being considerate. Here’s to being empathetic. And here’s to being honest to ourselves. May we continue to stay positive while we allow ourselves to accept and experience the negative, and most importantly, may we grow together and as one as as we navigate through this unexpected time.